There are so many ways we learn to say “it’s fine” when it isn’t.

We brush things off. We make jokes. We tell ourselves others have it worse. We keep going, stay busy, stay productive, stay together. From the outside, it can look like resilience. From the inside, it often feels like holding your breath. Or the age old metaphor of a swan, looking composed but frantically paddling beneath the surface.

If you recognise yourself here, I want to say this first: there is nothing wrong with you for minimising your pain.

Most couples don’t come to therapy because things are mildly uncomfortable. They come because something feels broken, urgent, or frighteningly close to the edge.

Conversations go in circles. Arguments escalate quickly or shut down completely. One partner feels unheard; the other feels constantly criticised. There may be distance, resentment, betrayal, or a deep sense of loneliness, even while still together.